Handling the (sometimes brutal) truth in friendships/relationships

What's good HWISS? I wanted to come to you all this afternoon to discuss how I feel about the (sometimes brutal) truth in friendships/relationships.

Before I go on --- let me explain what I mean by “brutal truth.”

A brutal truth is something originally lied about/never revealed until after-the-fact. These truths ultimately affect relationships once they are revealed. Realistically speaking, the truth is not always sugar-coated candy raindrops – especially in friendships/relationships. I feel that most successful relationships involve situations in which a brutal truth was revealed and a person was forgiven ---- but it’s never usually that easy.

If you find out the truth about something that could ultimately affect your relationship--- how will you handle it?

Here’s Where I Stand…
How you learn about the truth makes all of the difference in the world. Understanding that the truth may not come as easy to others as it may to you (don’t act like you’re an angel) --- credit should be given to someone who tells you the truth about something he/she may have kept secret or originally lied about. After all, nobody OWES you an explanation for anything. Remember that. If someone tells you anything, respect that they wished to tell you at all.

Please note that I am not saying that you should not be upset when you find out the (sometimes brutal) truth about something. You have a RIGHT to be upset --- especially if it’s something that can ultimately affect your relationship! In fact, it may take a week or so for everything to register in your mind. You should, however, also be relieved that the truth is finally out.

When it’s all said and done --- you have to ask yourself: Is this friendship/relationship worth keeping? If there is any doubt in your mind, then the answer is “NO.”
Do not FORCE yourself to be a friend/bf/gf to someone that you cannot trust because you will be doing yourself and that person a disservice.

If you want a friendship/relationship to work, then you have to explain to the other person that although you are upset with the situation, you respect his/her honesty. Get all of your feelings out on the table, because after this --- the conversation should never be brought up again. Do not use the situation as a weapon to throw in someone’s face every time an argument starts up or a similar circumstance seems to be appearing. If you want a friendship/relationship to work, you should trust that the same mistake will not be made twice. In the event that it does happen again -- go to the previous paragraph.


Still…
How you learn about the truth makes all of the difference in the world (lol). If you find out the truth from someone other than the parties involved --- then you have to ask yourself whether you can trust your “friend” or “bf/gf,” to EVER be honest with you.

And honestly – if you ever have to ask yourself that question – then the situation is handled right there. You either need to leave that friendship/relationship alone or make some changes to how you interact with him/her.

When in doubt – it’s always better to ask than to assume and you should trust the person naturally. But if you continue to hear different things, or your gut is telling you something otherwise, then you need to get down to the bottom of things. F*ck the he-say/she-say: bring all parties involved together and let the truth come out. Trust me --- it can’t get any better than that!

Whether you decide to keep a friendship/relationship or not, you ultimately have to re-examine yourself as a person and determine whether you can hold true to YOUR decision. Can you handle it?

Where do YOU stand ‘On the Corner?’

On the Corner: If you feel that he/she isn’t doing enough, maybe you are doing too much.

What's good everyone? Welcome to “On the Corner!”

I wanted to come to you all this evening to discuss a phrase that I hear often: “He/She’s not doing enough!”

Declines in phone calls, lack of timely responses to text messages, shortness in conversations --- these are just some of the reasons why someone may feel that his/her man/woman isn’t “doing enough.”

Some people feel that the attention they give/ the effort they put out to communicate to their loved ones should be equal. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.

Once the honeymoon period is over --- all of the little things that used to make you smile start to dwindle. That’s life --- but the moment you feel that he/she isn’t doing enough, you may be the one that’s doing too much.

Here’s Where I Stand…
In relationships, equal efforts should be made when it comes to communication/showing attention. I personally feel like relationships should be 50/50. I understand that most relationships are NOT 50/50, but it should be closest to that number as possible.

It sucks to be the person who feels that they make all of the effort to communicate or make things happen in a relationship, but there comes a time that people must realize that if they are not getting out what they are putting in, then they don’t need to put out that much.

If you feel like you are ALWAYS the one reaching out to someone, showing him/her attention, this—that—and the other--- maybe you need to reevaluate the effort that YOU put in. Maybe you need to lie off of the calls every two hours, or sending a text message every morning (like you used to), or making plans to do things that only YOU want to do. I’m not telling you to cut the person off -- just lie off of the EXTRA things you do. You get what I’m saying?

It’s hard not to seem spiteful when you do a thing like this, but people need to realize that it’s about making the relationship equal. Maybe once you fall back, you will become more appreciated…maybe not.

If you see that the relationship is not getting better, then you need to ask yourself why you are even with someone who doesn’t give you the attention you feel you deserve.

Still…
People change. With changes in people there are changes in relationships. In every relationship, there is a “honeymoon period.” This is the time in which people go the extra mile to impress the person they like, extra attention is given, special exceptions are made, etc.
The honeymoon period ends as soon as one person gets comfortable. If one’s heart is already won, what’s the point of going the extra mile?

Don’t assume the worst. I mean it could be ANY reason why someone doesn’t call as much, send text messages when you want a response, may now show enough attention. What reasons are those? I don’t know – ask them lol. Seriously though, it’s nothing wrong with bringing it to the attention of the person you’re dealing with. They may be doing the things that they do unconsciously.

Where do YOU stand ‘On the Corner?’

Is it any of your/his/her friends' business?

What’s good HWISS?

As part of my blog, I’d like to offer the opinions of other people. As such, please read the question carefully and feel free to share your honest thoughts/opinions.

Before you answer, please take note of the five additional questions to consider and feel free to pose your own. *Remember, there is no right/wrong answer!*

*Topic*
How many times have you spoke with a friend about a problem in a relationship and your friend says, "You know what? You just need to leave him/her alone!" --- and you did just that (and regretted it).

On the other hand, how many times has a friend saved you from making the biggest relationship mistake of your life? Just when you were ready to throw in the towel, you friend says, "Hey --- just give him/her another try." --- and you did just that (and were happy with your decision).

Many people ask their friends for advice to figure out their problems --- especially problems dealing with their relationships. While some may believe that their friends offer great advice; others may disagree as friends can also offer the "wrong advice."

Because friends have such an important role; sometimes their opinion matters more than yours --- and that could potentially be dangerous (or helpful) when it comes to YOUR relationship.

With that said...

*Question*
“Is it any of your/his/her friends' business to discuss the problems in YOUR relationship?

*5 Questions to consider*
“Do you know your man/woman's friends?"
"Do you LIKE your man/woman's? friends?"
"How often do you two have problems?"
"Do you talk to your friends about relationship problems?"
"Should friends be consulted on a case-by-case basis?"

Here's Where I Stand @ www.hwiss.blogspot.com

Here’s Where I Stand…
Involving friends in relationships could lead to several problems. You have to understand that most friends have your best interest in mind --- or at least they believe they do. As such, they will tell you anything to make you happy.

"You're too good for this," "Leave that boy/girl alone," "We going out tonight --- f*ck them!" ---

I'm sure you've heard it before, but you REALLY have to be careful that your friend just isn't trying to ruin your relationship. Some friends may "appear" to be happy for you, but in all reatlity, they may be a little jealous of you and/or your relationship.

Not being directly a part of your relationship can be harmful too --- because as you know, most relationship problems are one-sided. Not knowing the WHOLE story could cause a friend to tell you the wrong thing, and you don't really want that.

Also --- sometimes friends don't know what the HELL they are talking about! LOL


Still…
Sometimes you/your man/woman may need to talk to a friend. Aside from the SERIOUS issues such as abuse/cheating --- having someone on the outside weigh-in on a problem can expose one to a solution that was never thought of. Talking to a friend may be very well what's needed to save your relationship or save yourself. I think it is acceptable on a case-by-case basis.

Where do you stand?

Can a relationship with a friend of the opposite sex be strictly platonic?

*Topic*
True -- the attraction may be there -- but nowadays, it seems pretty common: People can be best/good friends of the opposite sex.

While some people have grown to accept it, there is still the belief that it is impossible for men and women to be good friends without crossing the barriers.

Believe it or not, it can cause more drama than you know.

For example:
If you’re not in a relationship:
People may assume that you and your best/good friend are together.
Ladies may think you are seeing too many women to take you serious; Men may think you’re a little too “friendly” with other guys to take you serious.

If you’re in a relationship:
Your bf/gf may not approve of the relationship you have with your best friend.
He/she may get extremely jealous of the relationship that you two have.
He/she may cause a rift between you and your best friend.

Bottom line – this is a situation that could possibly change a friendship/relationship forever. Where do you stand?

Question
“Can a relationship with a friend of the opposite sex be strictly platonic?”

5 Questions to consider
“What problems can rise in having a best/good friend of the opposite?”
“What benefits are there?
“Should those friendships cease when you/your bf/gf get into a relationship?”
“Do you trust yourself/your friend not to cross that border?”/“Do you trust your bf/gf or his/her friends?”
"Additional Question: "Considering other lifestyles, can the same be said for friendships of the same sex?"

Here's where I stand...
I think it's very possible to have a strictly platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Sure problems can arise, but I think that there are many benefits. For one, if you need advice, your friend of the opposite sex can help you out in many ways. Socially, it's just cool to have a girl/guy to go out with sometime, whether it be dinner, movies, to the club, etc.

There's no reason why friendships should cease because your bf/gf doesn't approve. I've had to suffer the consequences of a situation because some girl's bf didn't approve -- and the relationship didn't even last.

Still...
Ultimately it comes down to "trust." If you can trust yourself and your friend not to cross that border, then you shouldn't have any problem. And if you're on the other side, if you can trust your bf/gf and their friends, then you shouldn't have any problem.

Where do you stand?

Readers Responses:

1. “All of the things you stated in your examples have come true and even though it sucks, I would not forfeit our friendship”
2. “Why would you even go there? A friend is a friend.”
3. “I think it’s possible. But I also think that someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend might consider you a threat. That’s when the drama starts.”
4. “Nope lol. It can be, but unless they whole-heartedly turn you off, you'll take it if they offered you a piece.”
5. “Their sex should make no more of a difference than their race.”
6. “As a lesbian, I think it’s the complete opposite. Girls would rather that I have a male best friend than a female. That’s just my take on it.”
7. “Hell to the NO! If my "friend" has accomplished friendship with me plus he's there for me whenever i need him..etc.. then i should be looking at him and wondering why i'm not WITH him.”
8. “I don't have any guy friends because I know how to cook, clean, listen, balance a check book, shut the hell up, support and pray..etc. any man with good sense is not trying to limit me to friendship.”
9. “No the friendship should not cease because you get into a relationship w/ someone. However, depending on where life takes you sometimes it does.”
10. “We put men in the friend category when sometimes the "friend" treats you better than your man.”

Is it okay to pursue your friend's crush/ex?

*Situation*
The rule goes, “You CAN’T date your friend’s crush/ex.” Why? Because dating a friend’s crush/ex leads to jealousy, drama and the possibility of a lost friendship.

It may be easy for you, especially if you don’t like your friend’s crush/ex.
However, that’s not always the case: You meet your friend’s crush/ex and you two REALLY hit it off. The attraction is there, and so is the mental/emotional connection. Clearly, your friend’s crush/ex is into you and would like to see how far you two could go.

*Question*

Is it okay to pursue your friend's crush/ex?

Here's where I stand:

This is a tricky question because friendships are very important and no one should come in between them. At first thought, I would say the answer is "no". Regardless of whether I was feeling/still feeling the person or not, I know that I would be highly upset if one of my friends did it to me, so I know I wouldn't do it to them.

Still:

I think that there is an exception to the rule (don't judge me lol) --- I feel that if you are truly feeling someone (for a reason separate from physical attraction), then you should pursue it. I'm speaking on a more serious context in this case. If you LOVE someone, why can't you pursue them? Do you miss out on the chance to be with the "possible" love of your life because you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings?

Again, it's a touchy subject, but I think that this goes on a case-by-case scenario. Your thoughts?

Top Reader comments:

1) "When it comes to matters of the heart, that is not much than can be controlled. However, when it comes to matters of the mind you are your own captain."

2) "It depends on how you met the person. If you and your friend meet them together, and she's feeling you more, you should pursue it."

3) "You have to ask yourself what type of friend you are to that person. I mean if it's a best friend vs just a friend, it makes a difference."

4) "I wouldn't be happy with it, but if my ex and my friend came up to me and were honest about their feelings, I would respect it. I'm really big on honesty."

5) "My friend's feelings are 90% of my decision, and my character is 10% of the decision. I wouldn't do it -- it's just who I am."

6) "You just have to ask yourself is it truly worth risking a friendship over? If the answer is yes, then by all means go for it, but be fully aware of the consequences of your actions."

7) " It may not have worked out between the original two players but they have enough love for one another that they truly wish happiness for each other - even if that is with a friend."

8) " If you care about your friend you should let them know what the situation is and how you are feeling about that person."

9) "Love is love..regardless of how it comes about...we have no control over who we are attracted to or not...I mostly comes down to the morals and relationships you have with those you consider your friends...AND the maturity level of people."

10) "I'd try to avoid the situation at all costs."

11) "If it's your friend's ex -- they're off limits, if it's just a crush, then it's fair game."