Is it possible to be overloved?

*Topic*
I heard the term “overloved” used in a conversation in which a young man felt that his ex-girlfriend was over the top (for lack of words).

He used phrases such as:

*-"She called too much"
*-"She sent too many text messages"
*-"She always asked questions about what I was doing"
*- "She was way too jealous"

The young man admitted that he loved her, but he felt that the way his ex-girlfriend expressed her love was way too much. The result? He had to leave.

We all express our love in different ways, and while there are other situations to examine (such as crushes who won’t leave you alone or crushes who YOU won’t leave alone), we’re going to focus on being “overloved” in a relationship.

With that said -- you may dream of a relationship in which the feelings a man/woman has for you is as strong as the feelings you have for him/her (if not stronger). But really, how much is too much?

Question
Is it possible to be overloved? If so, is it a BAD thing?

5 factors to consider
*- Your boyfriend/girlfriend's past relationships
*- The type of relationships you are used to
*- The type of attention you want/don't want in a relationship
*- How much you are willing to put up with being “overloved” – if that even is a problem
*- Whether the term “overloved” is a nicer word for overbearing, over-protective, jealous or insecure

Here’s Where I Stand…
I've had the hardest time answering this question -- which is why I had to post it a day later. What I came down to was this:

Yep, it is possible to be overloved, and I say it’s bad on both sides.

Being overloved can put people in situations that lead (but are not limited) to:
*- constantly having to explain one's self
*- showing affection against one's will
*- unnecessary drama such as jealousy

It is situations like this that could cause a relationship to fail. One's simple request for affection may seem a bit overbearing or even demanding. Love shouldn't be about rules.

Overloving someone might not be a good thing either. It's great to be in love -- but when you find yourself working too hard to have the relationship you desire or becoming a problem in a relationship then you really need to step back. It can lead to a heartbreak that you aren't ready to handle.

Still…
What’s most important is that we examine the type of attention we want/don’t want in relationships. Depending on who we’re dating, that attention might change.

When you meet the person who expresses love the way YOU want it and goes above and beyond to make you happy -- then being overloved is a GREAT thing! It is relationships like these that last.

Where do you stand?

Readers' Responses
1) In your list of things to consider, you asked whether “overloved” is a nicer word for overbearing, over-protective, jealous or insecure. I think it's all of the above.
2) I think that overloving someone is a symptom of a bigger problem with the relationship - or more specifically the overlord... err... overlover.
3) Desperation is the biggest turn off. In my opinion (everyone may not agree) anyone who basically gives someone an unlimited free pass to treat them like shit because they're too in "love" to walk away is weak, and has no self-respect.
4) The "overlovers" in my experience try to find someone else to place all of their love into because they are insecure and don't have enough love for themselves. It's like overcompensation times ten. There is no love greater than love for self so learn to love yourself first before you can fully and healthily love someone else.
5) Um, hell no. But you can become obsessed.
6) Overloved is a very nice way to put it!
7) I almost feel like Overloved can be termed with "obsessed". Overbearing may be too strong of a word. I feel like you can love someone and be obsessed with them, which can almost be stalkerish.
8) People use love as a way to control.. well i only called you 40 times in an hour because i love you.. NO YOU ARE A STALKER.
9) If all of your decisions are based on what another person needs (and this person is not your child) then you have serious issues to sort out.
10) I'm concerned that you all associate psychotic behavior AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM with love. That is not love my beautiful people. that's not even healthy.

All these and more in the comments section!

P.S. - Sorry for the delay -- ur boy is back!

Where do you stand on people who hook up with someone already in a relationship?

*Topic*
You may have heard of relationships or situations where there is “another man/woman.”

Yes – it’s called cheating and it happens A LOT!

But this week, we’re not going to focus on the person cheating or the person they’re cheating on – let’s focus on the “other man/other woman.” Particularly, let’s talk about the men/women who hook up with someone KNOWING that the person has a boyfriend/girlfriend.

There are several reasons WHY this may happen – including but not limited to:
o The person may not be happy with his/her relationship and the “other man/woman” makes them happier.
o The “other man/woman” may have feelings and urges that they can not control.
o The “other man/woman” may enjoy the “challenge” of breaking up a relationship in which he/she obviously does not approve.

Whatever the case – is it a RIGHT thing to do?

*Question*
“Is it okay to hook up with someone and it’s obvious that they have a bf/gf”

*5 Questions to consider*
“Would it matter if the person is having problems with his/her bf/gf?”
“What if he/she told you up front?”
“Would you continue to hook up with someone if you found out that they had a bf/gf AFTER the fact?”
“Would you keep the bf/gf’s feelings to mind?”
“Are you okay with being the “other man/other woman?”

Here's Where I Stand...
Okay -- first off, I think this is a touchy subject -- because I believe that many people have KNOWINGLY been the other person.

Do I think it is okay? I'd hate to say it -- but I'm going to go with NO

It is not fair to the person indirectly affected (i.e. the boyfriend/girlfriend), regardless of the problems he/she was having in the relationship. I think that is most wrong when people do it out of spite, or "just because." These are the people who are comfortable with being the "other man/woman."

Now that I think about it -- if anyone hooks up with someone KNOWING that he/she has a bf/gf, then he/she IS comfortable being the other man/woman -- point blank.

Let's not even talk about the possibilities of STDs or whatever complications that may occur by people sharing more than one partner. If someone is comfortable being the "other man/woman," it may be safe to assume that they are playing the field elsewhere. I just think it's dirty.

Still...
Love is love -- and people WILL do what they want, BUT there is no reason why a person should CONTINUE to stay in a relationship if he/she has feelings for someone else. It's always better just to leave than to cheat.

Where do you stand?

Reader's Responses
1) I personally am too much of a firm believer in karma to ever hook up with someone in a relationship. I can understand being attracted to someone, but at the end of the day it all has to do with respect for other people's feelings and having self-restraint.

2) While i partially understand someone having the mentality of believing "if you aren't married technically you're still single and fair game" or "he says shes a bad girlfriend/she's so emotionally unstable and she can't handle it if i break things off etc," and allowing those excuses to excuse her (or his) actions, there are other things that should be taken into consideration.

3) It's easier to respect someone who realizes they are in a bad situation and gets out of it the most honorable way possible as opposed to someone who just wants to have their cake and eat it too.

4) I've been that other person and felt a little guilty and never did it again. And karma did come back to bite me in the ass, but it's cool. He was a loser. So the answer is it's never okay. Shit happens, but people if you're in a relationship and creepin', just let it go. It'll be the best thing to do in the end.

5) I see shows all the time, like Maury, where the spouse get upset with the "other man/woman" but really, I wouldn't waste my breath on her or him, because while they were a participant, it was YOUR spouse/significant that cheated and allowed it to happen, YOUR said spouse/significant should show restraint regardless if the other person doesn't. So it's mainly you spouse's or significant's fault.

6) I think if people took a minute to place themselves in other people's shoes and consider how they would feel if they were being cheated on, or even how they felt WHEN they were cheated on, then maybe people would be able to recognize that it's the wrong thing to do.

7) All the replies seem to be from people who claim they "would never" and are appauled by the thought.....oh bull....do you really think we believe that? Not only that, this is an actual occurance, so where are the people who will admit guilt? People are often not who they present themselves to be. Some people are dishonest. Some people cheat. Some people intentionally cheat as the other women or man. I would like to know what their motivations are. People do make mistakes and can grow and learn from them. I never said there was anything wrong with discipline.

8) Is it really that wrong?? What if they're not stealing, they're just borrowing?? Lol. But seriously, I don't think it's wrong. Dating isn't marriage. Dating is a trial period. There are no ties and rules except the ones ya'll set out for your relationship. So if your man/woman is stepping out with someone else... wouldn't rather know that now as opposed to later... Why should the other woman/man care about your relationship?

9) As far as karma, I'm not worried about it. I've done enough plotting on other female's men, that I know when they're plotting on mine. If he's willing to go for the bait, he's not the one for me.

10) I hooked up with someone's man Saturday! HA. and the girl he's with did the SAME thing to me when me and him were together. Yea I know they are together. But it was JUST sex. That doesn't make it RIGHT! But quite honestly I'm not thinkin bout her! She's not family OR a friend. That's HIS relationship and responsibility to be faithful, not mine. And I'm NOT the other woman....cause it aint even on that level!

All these and more in the comments section.

If someone steps to you, where do you draw the line between playing it cool and kicking azz?

*Situation*
You are having a great time at a social gathering, but at one point in the night, you catch someone giving you the side-eye in the distance.

It doesn’t bother you at first, but as the night progresses, you begin to realize that it is very clear that he/she has a problem with you. You continue to enjoy your night until he/she walks up to you.

“Do you have a problem?” He/she says, “Because if you do, we can get it there!”

He/she proceeds to take off his/her jacket or whatever -- It may be a possibility that he/she may be drunk, but at the same time, you have someone all up in your personal space.

PS>>> While everyone does not go to the club, I must add that the previous paragraph was an example of the situation. One of my ACE reporters, I.N.K. recalls a situation where he had to draw the line – not at a club – but at a stop light with a crossing guard. The situations are limitless (lol)

With that said:

*Question*
“If someone steps to you, where do you draw the line between playing it cool and kicking azz?”

*5 Questions to consider*
“Does it matter where you are?”
“Does it matter what you’re wearing?”
“Does it matter who you’re with?”
“If someone steps to your friend in the same manner, what would be your role?”
“Would you be willing to deal with the consequences involved?

Here's where I stand...
I can recall a few similar situations where I had to draw a line between playing it cool and kicking azz, and I believe in every situation I've had to ask myself, "Would you be willing to deal with the consequences involved?"

I think in most instances, people can walk away from a situation without it escalating to a more serious altercation. We're at an age now where it's the MATURE thing to do. I think the location of the event and who a person is with is a big factor in the decision to play it cool or kick azz.

If a friend was in a similar situation, I would try my best to break it up without fueling the altercation.

Still...
There are times where a person can not walk away. I am not talking about because someone called a girl/guy out of his/her name -- I am talking about the point in which a person attempts to become physical. It is at this point that I feel it is necessary to kick that azz (or one may end up getting their azz kicked lol). I do not condone fighting, but I do believe people should be able to defend themselves if the situation occurs.

With that said, I believe people should be VERY careful before making the decision to kick azz. There may be some very serious consequences as a result: embarassment, arrest/jail, and the possibility of someone getting extremely hurt.

Where do you stand?

Reader's Responses:
1)"If someone steps to me, I would laugh, because they just don't know me lol ya heard!"
2)"I was so ready to beat a crossing gaurds ass today and get arrested if it wasn't for my grandmother being in the car."
3)"If someone jumps at you for no reason that you know of, of course, go off on them and make them learn a lesson. But if you know you can't win than maybe you should run. Then again, where are you that such people would openly approach you and is the reason really you? If it's you, then check yourself, if it's not, and there's no physical threat, ignore it. Feeding that person with your attention does nothing for you but waste time, and I know I not wasting my time like that. Pick your battles."
4)"My role would be to keep my friend calm unless the other person swings."
5)"As a lady - I don't hit first. I don't run off at the mouth. If someone approaches ME with an issue, they better be ready for the consequences of THEIR actions. Cause at the end of the day self-defense won't get me arrested...but it WILL get you messed up!"
6)"As far as a friend role, it really depends on the friend and how they act. Of course I'm never gonna let my peoples get beat up tho."
7)"Thinking too much about my gear may open the doorway for a unexpected ass whoopin. Addendum: If you are suited, then you are in a social environment not conducive to kickin ass."
8)"Anybody with me should know that I suffer from a severe napoleonic complex, fights just come with the territory."
9)"When all is said and done, the best way to deal with conflict is to avoid it. However, if you have no choice, strike fast, aim for the throat ear or pelvis (all effective one shot fight enders), and maintain your cool prior to and post fight."
10)"If you are around a bunch of drunks and think you should act mindless to have fun, I think it may be easier for someone to rub you the wrong way or you rub them wrong."