*Topic*
I heard the term “overloved” used in a conversation in which a young man felt that his ex-girlfriend was over the top (for lack of words).
He used phrases such as:
*-"She called too much"
*-"She sent too many text messages"
*-"She always asked questions about what I was doing"
*- "She was way too jealous"
The young man admitted that he loved her, but he felt that the way his ex-girlfriend expressed her love was way too much. The result? He had to leave.
We all express our love in different ways, and while there are other situations to examine (such as crushes who won’t leave you alone or crushes who YOU won’t leave alone), we’re going to focus on being “overloved” in a relationship.
With that said -- you may dream of a relationship in which the feelings a man/woman has for you is as strong as the feelings you have for him/her (if not stronger). But really, how much is too much?
Question
Is it possible to be overloved? If so, is it a BAD thing?
5 factors to consider
*- Your boyfriend/girlfriend's past relationships
*- The type of relationships you are used to
*- The type of attention you want/don't want in a relationship
*- How much you are willing to put up with being “overloved” – if that even is a problem
*- Whether the term “overloved” is a nicer word for overbearing, over-protective, jealous or insecure
Here’s Where I Stand…
I've had the hardest time answering this question -- which is why I had to post it a day later. What I came down to was this:
Yep, it is possible to be overloved, and I say it’s bad on both sides.
Being overloved can put people in situations that lead (but are not limited) to:
*- constantly having to explain one's self
*- showing affection against one's will
*- unnecessary drama such as jealousy
It is situations like this that could cause a relationship to fail. One's simple request for affection may seem a bit overbearing or even demanding. Love shouldn't be about rules.
Overloving someone might not be a good thing either. It's great to be in love -- but when you find yourself working too hard to have the relationship you desire or becoming a problem in a relationship then you really need to step back. It can lead to a heartbreak that you aren't ready to handle.
Still…
What’s most important is that we examine the type of attention we want/don’t want in relationships. Depending on who we’re dating, that attention might change.
When you meet the person who expresses love the way YOU want it and goes above and beyond to make you happy -- then being overloved is a GREAT thing! It is relationships like these that last.
Where do you stand?
Readers' Responses
1) In your list of things to consider, you asked whether “overloved” is a nicer word for overbearing, over-protective, jealous or insecure. I think it's all of the above.
2) I think that overloving someone is a symptom of a bigger problem with the relationship - or more specifically the overlord... err... overlover.
3) Desperation is the biggest turn off. In my opinion (everyone may not agree) anyone who basically gives someone an unlimited free pass to treat them like shit because they're too in "love" to walk away is weak, and has no self-respect.
4) The "overlovers" in my experience try to find someone else to place all of their love into because they are insecure and don't have enough love for themselves. It's like overcompensation times ten. There is no love greater than love for self so learn to love yourself first before you can fully and healthily love someone else.
5) Um, hell no. But you can become obsessed.
6) Overloved is a very nice way to put it!
7) I almost feel like Overloved can be termed with "obsessed". Overbearing may be too strong of a word. I feel like you can love someone and be obsessed with them, which can almost be stalkerish.
8) People use love as a way to control.. well i only called you 40 times in an hour because i love you.. NO YOU ARE A STALKER.
9) If all of your decisions are based on what another person needs (and this person is not your child) then you have serious issues to sort out.
10) I'm concerned that you all associate psychotic behavior AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM with love. That is not love my beautiful people. that's not even healthy.
All these and more in the comments section!
P.S. - Sorry for the delay -- ur boy is back!
The Open Relationship
2 years ago
15 comments:
In your list of things to consider, you asked whether “overloved” is a nicer word for overbearing, over-protective, jealous or insecure. I think it's all of the above. In a lot of my past relationships (by which I mean all), I was the overlover... and I realize now that it's because I wasn't mature enough or ready to handle a real relationship. I've recently realized that if I were on the other side, I wouldn't want to feel smothered... the way I tended to smother others. I used to be quite overbearing and overprotective, but I've realized that trying to restrict the person you're with isn't really loving them.
Also, it's easy to be jealous and even insecure if you don't trust the person you're with - but what kind of functional relationship isn't based on trust? QED, I think that overloving someone is a symptom of a bigger problem with the relationship - or more specifically the overlord... err... overlover.
I've been in this situation twice. The first time, it was simply because the guy liked me more than I liked him. The other guy, I loved as much as he loved me, but he was insecure. He was having financial/legal problems(in hindsight, i wonder what the F I was thinking, but I was young lol...) and he got kicked out of school because of those problems during the relationship. Because I was suddenly doing better than him, he assumed I was better and I would always look for better. Him telling me that all the time made me wonder if he was right. He needed constant reassurance, told me he loved me over and over every single time we spoke, we had to talk on the phone until we fell asleep so he knew I wouldnt talk to or sleep with anyone else (we went to diff schools), he accused me of stuff, texted me all day, questioned me about everything,etc. I felt like I had to verify my entire list of activities with him and eventually I got tired of it. Besides the obsessive behavior he was extremely sweet...he did things you'd see in the movies (which is sometimes only cute in the movies lol), but when he told me that he loved me so much that he probably wouldn't be able to leave me if I cheated/treated him badly I lost all interest. Desperation is the biggest turn off. In my opinion (everyone may not agree) anyone who basically gives someone an unlimited free pass to treat them like shit because they're too in "love" to walk away is weak, and has no self-respect. I love ME too much to ever be that person. Sooo while that was extremely long winded, the main point is this..the "overlovers" in my experience try to find someone else to place all of their love into because they are insecure and don't have enough love for themselves. It's like overcompensation times ten. There is no love greater than love for self so learn to love yourself first before you can fully and healthily love someone else.
um, hell no. but you can become obsessed. obsession is often confused with love. but it's a completely false feeling. you have no concept of reality when you are obsessed. I could tell you i hated you and you would convince yourself that i was being difficult or i didn't mean it.
u can also smother someone with feelings because you have low self-... Read Moreesteem.. and you have a fear of losing them.. OR you have control issues. you try to create an environment of DESIRES thus giving this person everything they WANT versus what they need. and since most people follow their desires vs their necessities, this relationship will last longer- but the leaving you drained.
Genese took the words out of my mouth.
Genese.."Well Said"
I think it is very possible to be overloved. I think of the term more as smoothered. Some of it is being needy. It is not attractive to be a person who cannot funtion without your significant other. I also think sometimes when you truly love a person it is hard to avoid over loving them....at the same time it seems communication could prevent the ... Read Moreissue.
I know there are cuircumstances where I was the one doing the "overloving" and times when I was "overloved". At some point it becomes a dependency issue. You begin to wonder can the pair function independently. What happens if one person leaves? Can the other remember how to be themself?
Also...overloved is a very nice way to put it!
There is no such thing as OVERloved. As i stated yesterday, it all boils down to self-esteem. Using words like "forced, having to explain, etc" is related to a dictatorship, not love. People hide behind the L word everyday. Love will never be forced.
Honest, true love conquers all. You can run, but your real feelings will shine through. The problem is that we have had some very bad teachers to show us what love was, or we haven't let go of past hurts so we can love genuinely.
I almost feel like Overloved can be termed with "obsessed". Overbearing may be too strong of a word. I feel like you can love someone and be obsessed with them, which can almost be stalkerish. While it's good to feel loved, if that love is paired with constant calls and text and the famous "what are you doing right now" kind of questions, I ... Read Morewonder if one can say there is an underlining sense of distrust. I feel like you can love over someone all you want and be jealous or maybe you won't be, depending on the type of person you are to begin with.
If that person's past relationships reveal that they were clingy, perhaps they also love being in love and having the feeling of love, not just love you alone.
I think I could like being overloved at first but then it may be taxing to have to show love inturn to that person at the same level. It might wear you out and leave you wanting more and more space even if you enjoy that person's company.
When you begin to truly care about/ love someone, it's more than natural for you to want to know what they're doin or to want call/text them...HOWEVER there's no need to do it ALL the time! I think it is very possible to OVERLOVE someone! When you're secure enough with your relationship, there's no need to know what he's up to all the time! I agree... Read More with Regina, it's very close to stalkerish! I say let that man breathe and do what he wants! If he wants you to know what he's up to then he'll tell you! Not to mention, that while you're callin or texin him all the time, when do you have time to live your life?! Do you want someone in your face all the time questioning you, or callin you every two seconds or losin their mind cause you know people of the opposite sex?!?
People use love as a way to control.. well i only called you 40 times in an hour because i love you.. NO YOU ARE A STALKER.
i text you 40 times a minute about where you are because i care- NO you have stalker tendacies.
maybe you have to deal with abandonment issues.. maybe you are still holding on to past hurts and you feel like if you keep a ... Read Moreclose eye on this one.. he won't cheat.. or he will love me right.
wrong
Good points everyone -- In particular, Aishia's quote stuck out
At some point it becomes a dependency issue. You begin to wonder can the pair function independently. What happens if one person leaves? Can the other remember how to be themself?
This is why I believe that there is such a thing as being overloved. -- I think people who do the "... Read Moreoverloving" -- truly didn't intend to be a "stalker" or "a bother" -- they may just be in love with the fact that they're happy and they have someone to care about.
After being in a similar situation -- I realized that I wasn't obsessed or overbearing -- I was just TOO much into the thought of being in love -- and that's where the problem was.
On the other side -- I just don't deal with it. Overloving T.H. is a one way ticket to being ignored. LOL -- Either way -- I still think it's possible, and NOT a positive thing
many people base their happiness on having someone in their lives. they begin to live for that person. how has this become the definition of love. if all of your decisions are based on what another person needs (and this person is not your child) then you have serious issues to sort out.
I also agree with Aishia. I had a friend who calmed he really loved her, and he did, but too much, so much he was dependant on her for living and actually stated he would not live without her if she left him. That's the only reason she stayed that long was to save him from himself. But he developed a dependancy. And he eventually became a ... Read Morestalker in the relationship. It wasn't cool at all.
Other question may be if the reason that person is overloving another is because they are incomplete in some way, trying to become complete in the being with their partner or such.
i'm concerned that you all associate psychotic behavior AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM with love. That is not love my beautiful people. that's not even healthy. it's controlling. love is not a control mechanism. it's an act of sacrifice. If you love someone, you make sacrifices for them (stop seeing other people, marry them and forsake others, hell death is ... Read Morethe ultimate sacrifice (rescuing your child etc)...
Love is not a threat, or an iron fist. I guess I just have an issue with the term "over loved". you can't be loved too much, but you can be obessed. that is not love. once you become obsessed you have no connection to reality and you convince yourself of your desires instead of what's real.
that man was controlling her. "If you leave me, i will die/kill myself." "I can't live without you"---well how were you breathing before you met me? he was holding her hostage emotionally.
Any HUMAN being with feelings would stick around a little longer. I did; it happens to the best of us. I had one to tell me that if i moved away GOD would no longer be there for me and would not listen to my prayers WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE.... CAUSE HE WAS SENT TO SAVE ME. SO now he's Jesus right? And he claimed to be IN LOVE WITH ME. He also said that my parents would disown me if i moved back to louisiana.
that is not love. that is acts of desperation, pathetic existences- leeches who suck the life out of people because they deem their lives to be worthless. they try and live THROUGH and FOR you INSTEAD OF WITH YOU. Every story they have is a sad one.. oh my life is over.. everyone left me... i have no family.. i want my own family.. and they zone in on you and your needs. you assume they are mr./ms. nice "person"... and once you relax.. BOOM the real person surface. It's a gimmick!
.....and when the fake threats of suicide, crying, and stalking wears off he has to think of something else. i'm surprised he didn't start beating her or tried to get her pregnant.
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