*Topic*
You may have heard of relationships or situations where there is “another man/woman.”
Yes – it’s called cheating and it happens A LOT!
But this week, we’re not going to focus on the person cheating or the person they’re cheating on – let’s focus on the “other man/other woman.” Particularly, let’s talk about the men/women who hook up with someone KNOWING that the person has a boyfriend/girlfriend.
There are several reasons WHY this may happen – including but not limited to:
o The person may not be happy with his/her relationship and the “other man/woman” makes them happier.
o The “other man/woman” may have feelings and urges that they can not control.
o The “other man/woman” may enjoy the “challenge” of breaking up a relationship in which he/she obviously does not approve.
Whatever the case – is it a RIGHT thing to do?
*Question*
“Is it okay to hook up with someone and it’s obvious that they have a bf/gf”
*5 Questions to consider*
“Would it matter if the person is having problems with his/her bf/gf?”
“What if he/she told you up front?”
“Would you continue to hook up with someone if you found out that they had a bf/gf AFTER the fact?”
“Would you keep the bf/gf’s feelings to mind?”
“Are you okay with being the “other man/other woman?”
Here's Where I Stand...
Okay -- first off, I think this is a touchy subject -- because I believe that many people have KNOWINGLY been the other person.
Do I think it is okay? I'd hate to say it -- but I'm going to go with NO
It is not fair to the person indirectly affected (i.e. the boyfriend/girlfriend), regardless of the problems he/she was having in the relationship. I think that is most wrong when people do it out of spite, or "just because." These are the people who are comfortable with being the "other man/woman."
Now that I think about it -- if anyone hooks up with someone KNOWING that he/she has a bf/gf, then he/she IS comfortable being the other man/woman -- point blank.
Let's not even talk about the possibilities of STDs or whatever complications that may occur by people sharing more than one partner. If someone is comfortable being the "other man/woman," it may be safe to assume that they are playing the field elsewhere. I just think it's dirty.
Still...
Love is love -- and people WILL do what they want, BUT there is no reason why a person should CONTINUE to stay in a relationship if he/she has feelings for someone else. It's always better just to leave than to cheat.
Where do you stand?
Reader's Responses
1) I personally am too much of a firm believer in karma to ever hook up with someone in a relationship. I can understand being attracted to someone, but at the end of the day it all has to do with respect for other people's feelings and having self-restraint.
2) While i partially understand someone having the mentality of believing "if you aren't married technically you're still single and fair game" or "he says shes a bad girlfriend/she's so emotionally unstable and she can't handle it if i break things off etc," and allowing those excuses to excuse her (or his) actions, there are other things that should be taken into consideration.
3) It's easier to respect someone who realizes they are in a bad situation and gets out of it the most honorable way possible as opposed to someone who just wants to have their cake and eat it too.
4) I've been that other person and felt a little guilty and never did it again. And karma did come back to bite me in the ass, but it's cool. He was a loser. So the answer is it's never okay. Shit happens, but people if you're in a relationship and creepin', just let it go. It'll be the best thing to do in the end.
5) I see shows all the time, like Maury, where the spouse get upset with the "other man/woman" but really, I wouldn't waste my breath on her or him, because while they were a participant, it was YOUR spouse/significant that cheated and allowed it to happen, YOUR said spouse/significant should show restraint regardless if the other person doesn't. So it's mainly you spouse's or significant's fault.
6) I think if people took a minute to place themselves in other people's shoes and consider how they would feel if they were being cheated on, or even how they felt WHEN they were cheated on, then maybe people would be able to recognize that it's the wrong thing to do.
7) All the replies seem to be from people who claim they "would never" and are appauled by the thought.....oh bull....do you really think we believe that? Not only that, this is an actual occurance, so where are the people who will admit guilt? People are often not who they present themselves to be. Some people are dishonest. Some people cheat. Some people intentionally cheat as the other women or man. I would like to know what their motivations are. People do make mistakes and can grow and learn from them. I never said there was anything wrong with discipline.
8) Is it really that wrong?? What if they're not stealing, they're just borrowing?? Lol. But seriously, I don't think it's wrong. Dating isn't marriage. Dating is a trial period. There are no ties and rules except the ones ya'll set out for your relationship. So if your man/woman is stepping out with someone else... wouldn't rather know that now as opposed to later... Why should the other woman/man care about your relationship?
9) As far as karma, I'm not worried about it. I've done enough plotting on other female's men, that I know when they're plotting on mine. If he's willing to go for the bait, he's not the one for me.
10) I hooked up with someone's man Saturday! HA. and the girl he's with did the SAME thing to me when me and him were together. Yea I know they are together. But it was JUST sex. That doesn't make it RIGHT! But quite honestly I'm not thinkin bout her! She's not family OR a friend. That's HIS relationship and responsibility to be faithful, not mine. And I'm NOT the other woman....cause it aint even on that level!
All these and more in the comments section.
The Open Relationship
2 years ago
26 comments:
I personally am too much of a firm believer in karma to ever hook up with someone in a relationship. I can understand being attracted to someone, but at the end of the day it all has to do with respect for other people's feelings and having self-restraint.
While i partially understand someone having the mentality of believing "if you aren't married technically you're still single and fair game" or "he says shes a bad girlfriend/she's so emotionally unstable and she can't handle it if i break things off etc," and allowing those excuses to excuse her (or his) actions, there are other things that should be taken into consideration.
If he can't respect the relationship he's in now, how will he treat you a year or so later when you become the "bad/unstable girlfriend" when another woman comes into the picture like you did. People like that are manipulating liars and that in itself should make them undesirable to you. Relationships are built on trust so nothing lasting can be built with someone you stole. Besides, if the girlfriend/boyfriend is so unbareable why not just leave in the first place? I never understood how someone could be with a person who constantly talks down about his "signifacant other" to get your sympathy and to make you feel less guilty about being a homewrecker. If he doesn't have enough respect to keep their business between them, what makes you think he would respect you at all?
But on another note, sometimes you can't help who you develop feelings for. So if you just so happen to fall for someone who is in a relationship and the feelings are reciprocated, he or she should at least have the decency and respect for both you and the current partner to break things off before getting involved with someone else. It's easier to respect someone who realizes they are in a bad situation and gets out of it the most honorable way possible as opposed to someone who just wants to have their cake and eat it too.
Well T.H., they are simply wrong. They're triflin' and should be ashamed of themselves. That being said, the person who is even worse is the one who is in the relationship because he/she is the one committed. Technically, the trifling homewrecker isn't responsible for the well being for a relationship he/she is not in. Let's put it out there. I've been that other person and felt a little guilty and never did it again. And karma did come back to bite me in the ass, but it's cool. He was a loser. So the answer is it's never okay. Shit happens, but people if you're in a relationship and creepin', just let it go. It'll be the best thing to do in the end.
I don't think people should cheat. But in a case like this video, sometime the grass is greener on the other side.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kl-paDdmVMU
I have to admit. I've done it before and I don't think there is anything wrong with it.
Shorty came to my house and I know she was still living with her man.
If her man was doing the job -- then we wouldn't have had the episode.
Get ya girl, because she definitely getting me.
Been there...done that...not my problem, lol
First off, I feel it's pathetic to be the “other woman/man”.
Yes, cheating is wrong but instead of getting with someone's man or woman, get your own.
Think hard about this:
If I'm the other woman dating a man with a girlfriend and he breaks up with this girlfriend to be with me, do you really think that he can stay committed and not cheat on you with another woman. Being on the other side would be a slap in the face but maybe it's that slap that that person needs.
If he or she can't be committed to their significant other, what makes you think they can be committed to you. What makes you so special? If you are that special then why isn't he or she breaking up their relationship to be with you before becoming the other woman? Do you not deserve their full attention and commitment?
If you're not satisfied with yourself that you need to be the other woman/man, then you need to know you. You need to have enough respect for yourself that this is not a definite fix to said problems (lust, loneliness, challenge) Need a challenge, get a degree, start a business, knit, something.
Maybe is it that some put themselves through all that because they need to “taste the package” before making any decisions.
Don't cheat yourself because down the road you may as well be playing yourself.
If I found out that my man had some side girl, it would be over. She can have him. If he wanted me, he need to be with me only.
I like your stance....okay here goes...and remember these are my pre-marriage answers :-)
--No it's not okay to hook up when you KNOW they are taken
--No it doesn't matter if there are problems
--If he told me up front I would tell him up front I don't like to associate with dirty-doers so get gone
--If I found out AFTER I would DEFINITELY call it quits ASAP
--Yes I keep them to mind which is why this is wrong.
--No I am NOT okay being the other woman. I am worth more than that.
Oh and I just want to add, I see shows all the time, like Maury, where the spouse get upset with the "other man/woman" but really, I wouldn't waste my breath on her or him, because while they were a participant, it was YOUR spouse/significant that cheated and allowed it to happen, YOUR said spouse/significant should show restraint regardless if the other person doesn't. So it's mainly you spouse's or significant's fault.
T.H. this is a GREAT topic! I want to start off by sayin that I think there is absolutely NO excuse for hookin up with someone who is not/ if you're not available! People need to have some self control and some decency about themselves to not want to cheat or be a "homewrecker" so to speak! Anyone, with any amout of self respect should be able to recognize that he/she deserves to be main course and not the side dishes! I am a FIRM believer in karma, also known in biblical terms as "sowing and reaping". What you dish out will DEFINTELY come back to you bite you in the butt worse than the bite you dished out initially! I think if people took a minute to place themselves in other people's shoes and consider how they would feel if they were being cheated on, or even how they felt WHEN they were cheated on, then maybe people would be able to recognize that it's the wrong thing to do. I'm not sayin that I have not been presented with the opporotunity to hook up with or even considered tryin to steal someone's man, but I can say that I refrained from any wrong doings...
Okay, TH. I try not to comment on these sorts of posts but I couldn't resist. I'm going to be truly me in this one. Ready? Ya'll are full of shit. No it is not okay. It is wrong, immoral, inconsiderate, and plane old rude. I too believe in Karma. It always comes back. Always. I guess my concern is that people are not being honest with themselves. Do not pretend that you are innocent. This is not a space to clear your name. Everyone has done something shitty...maybe not this but maybe it is exactly this. All the replies seem to be from people who claim they "would never" and are appauled by the thought.....oh bull....do you really think we believe that? Not only that, this is an actual occurance, so where are the people who will admit guilt?
I'll start. I can think of a few times where I wanted to take someones man. I can think of some times where I would have been successful. Hell, I can think of a time when he was playin both of us. Had me thinkin she was shady and had her thinking the same thing.
Truth told...that is all I promised....Self preservation is most important and I have to do what is best for me, always. If that means stealing your man, well, then fuck you. He shouldn't be able to be stolen.
***I would like to end by saying that I love my man. It is important to note that you can only "steal" someone's other if they want to be stolen. If this is an issue or fear for you then you need work and so does your relationship
It's not applauding, it's agreement.
And I'm not full of it. I speak what I believe on me. You speak what you believe on you. Everyone does something they can feel guilty about but that doesn't mean I have to admit guilt to wanting to be the other woman.
Sorry, I mean what I say. I wouldn't do it. And if you would, that's you, good for you.
Thinking about someone's man is totally different from acting on it. I can think sex every once and a while but I have enough restraint that since it's something I want to wait on, it's something I'm not going to act on. It's called discipline. Nothing wrong with it. I don't need a clap, I'm just stating my view and that's me. I'm honest as it is serving my view, you're serving your own view.
When I'm in a solid relationship and I trust that person, I'm not worried. I'm not fearful. Let the women come, if my man is trust worthy and not worried about them desperate women, neither will I be. Doesn't mean it won't get under my skin when it happens, but I dont' lose sleep over it.
Ask yourself what kind of man you have. I'm a woman of God and want to be with a Man of God. This means he has the integrity and a list of other things that would help prevent such an issue from arising. Doesn't mean cheating doesn't happen, but it's my job to make sure it doesn't happen on my end.
*First of all, I wasn't talking to you, but your defensiveness speaks volumes.
Additionally, I am simply questioning where the other side of this discussion is. It seems only one opionon is represented.
Not only that, just as you are speaking your view, I am speaking mine. Which includes that opinion people lie. Everyone who says they "would never" is not telling the truth.
I'm challanging a more involved discussion including the opinions and motivations of those who participate in activites different from the ones represented in the previous comments.
In case you (you not being Regina but readers in general) missed my point, I will attempt to clearify. People are often not who they present themselves to be. Some people are dishonest. Some people cheat. Some people intentionally cheat as the other women or man. I would like to know what their motivations are. People do make mistakes and can grow and learn from them. I never said there was anything wrong with discipline. Wow, didn't get too excited, did we?
Also, I have to maintain, often the men or women who get "stolen" want to be. They are in someway weak or desire to violate the relationship. They do not have respect for that relationship and do not value it or fear losing it. I believe that with this issue, while I understand the anger at the other women who maliciously persued your other, it is important that one examines their own relationship and partner to determine how this was even possible.
What's good HWISS?
I normally don't comment on notes, but I feel that I should make a few quick points:
Aisha, thank you SO much for your note. I am sure that many people ask the same question: "Where is the other side?"
GREAT point! That is what my blog is all about and I post controversial topics for that very reason! I would LOVE for people to look at the topic/situation and be honest about how they feel, whether it's positive or negative.
But readers -- please keep in mind that people who choose to respond to the notes are simply answering the questions that are listed.
The questions do not ask whether he/she has committed any of these acts and/or justify why it was/was not done. The questions ask where he/she stands on the topic/situation at-hand. We'll never know who is being honest, but there would definitely be a difference in responses if the questions were more personal.
Most people who have opposite opinions choose NOT to be identified on the FB note -- and for that reason -- you may not see those responses until the comments are added to the blog. There are many ways for people to submit anonymous answers ( PM, IM or via the blog). This topic in particular has already received a few anonymous answers from people who think it's okay. One answer is, "Been there, done that...not my problem, lol!"
Readers, I leave by saying this:
1) Know what's being asked. While there will be personal opinions, there is no need to discuss personal facts.
2) Opinions are just what they are. It's okay to disagree, but please do so in a respectful manner.
3) If you wish to be anonymous in your answers to a FB note -- just send me a PM/Yahoo IM,text (it's all be done before).
4) Please continue to add your responses, or send ideas for topics/etc
5) Regardless of what is written, it's important that each individual stays true to what he/she would REALLY do in the situation.
Thanks again to all respondents,
Mr. HWISS
OH yea -- and though the "Questions to be considered" is directed to the individual -- it's just to allow readers to really think about their response before they write it.
Just another point of clarification.
:)
I don't believe my tone was aimed at being defensive. I enjoy a good debate.
However I was merely defending my position and restating it. I also appreciate another sides, but in my response, I was clearifying my view as well as it might have been misunderstood, and not that you were talking to me but I felt I might have been placed in the group you were refering to hence, the additional commentary
I have no problem seeing both sides but since I have a side, I do represent that
Men or women with weak desires are the ones to watch for. Then again, hopefully in being honest this can be avoid but unfortnately like you stated, people lie and are deceitful.
So is there a solution?
Something to think about.
You know what, while I understand some people want to stay out of such discussions so they won't feel like they are attacked, I really would want to hear more people represent the other side so to see what their opinions are because the discussion now is highly unbalanced.
*And just something to note:
sometimes you can't help when discussions get personal. An opinion is personal.
"A hit dog will holler" and there most certainly is a dog hollerin awfully loud in repsonse to this note! While the responses to these notes aren't intended to be honest, mine most certainly have been, as have others, CLEARLY! Now I am able to recognize that not everyone was raised on the same morals as myself, so it may be difficult for them to even comprehend the concept, let alone exercise a few. I can say that "weak or not weak," " wanting to be to be stolen or not," I feel, as I stated before, that it is down right WRONG to pursue a man/woman that you KNOW is in relationship. The bible says, "Thou shalt not steal," but I'm sure that all my men and "women of God" know that, since we wanted to bring God into and all! Like I said before, I have NEVER been a homewrecker, nor will I be a homewrecker or condone the actions of any homewrecker, friend or foe!!
"what comes around goes around, for the power of the universe is round and the energy you put out, you'll get back."
It's not that bad. I've done it because I didn't like the girl.
I'm in agreement with Aishia... I found myself reading people's comments and thinking... where is the devil's advocate??
Her most poignant point: It is important to note that you can only "steal" someone's other if they want to be stolen.
I fully agree. There is a lot of blame to go around... the other woman/man for plotting at your significant other, your significant other for wanting to be stolen, and YOU, yes you, for not holding down your spot. When people say it's absolutely foul, wrong, desperate, and pathetic to be the "other" man/woman... I'm not going. Is it really that wrong?? What if they're not stealing, they're just borrowing?? Lol. But seriously, I don't think it's wrong. Dating isn't marriage. Dating is a trial period. There are no ties and rules except the ones ya'll set out for your relationship. So if your man/woman is stepping out with someone else... wouldn't rather know that now as opposed to later... Why should the other woman/man care about your relationship??
For the record, I've been on both sides. Anytime I've plotted on someone's guy, it's because I could. Sometimes I wanted to date them. Sometimes I wanted to hookup. And sometimes I did it just to win. Homewrecker? maybe. But it wasn't my job to be concerned about your relationship... it was yours and his. I've never once felt bad about that, why should i?
When I've been cheated on, I have never blamed the other woman. It was my boyfriend's job to care about me, not hers. I'm not going to call her out her name and be pissed... MY boyfriend made the conscious choice to step out which means I end it with him. I cuss him out. I get mad at him.
As far as karma, I'm not worried about it. I've done enough plotting on other female's men, that I know when they're plotting on mine. If he's willing to go for the bait, he's not the one for me.
I mean, it really depends. All of your topics really depends lol.
I hooked up with someone's man Saturday! HA. and the girl he's with did the SAME thing to me when me and him were together. Yea I know they are together. But it was JUST sex. That doesn't make it RIGHT! But quite honestly I'm not thinkin bout her! She's not family OR a friend. That's HIS relationship and responsibility to be faithful, not mine. And I'm NOT the other woman....cause it aint even on that level!
do you have anything idea how many gfs i would have if its ok. any girl i meet is either with someone promise to enage to or married. i even fall in love with one of them and at least from i can tell she never knew. but if she or he was willing to cheat with someoneelse why wouldn't she or he cheat on you. karma is a bitch. so i chose to be alone. or it chose me either way you have many answer.
Anyway, how you doing?
What's good everyone?
Thanks for your responses!
I think this topic has received the most written responses thus far!
Going forward, I am going to be more active in these discussions and play the devil's advocate. It may encourage others who have the same idea to share their thoughts as well.
Y shred my karma just to be a sideline. a relationship is hard enough to maintain without the 'other' people poppin up. i'm not tryna contribute to the mayhem. ;o)
I mean are we talking "steal" in the sense that the other person wants a RELATIONSHIP with the person in the relationship!?!? OR is it strickly sex or something!?!?!?
That's a good question.
I believe the motive has a lot to do whether it's right/wrong(in my opinion).
If it's done because the "other person" wants a relationship, then I'm assuming that the "other person" must really LIKE/LOVE the person in a relationship. What's wrong with going for the one you love?
If it's done just for sex -- then that's where I think it's the problem. Because sex can be found anywhere (and don't take that out of context)
Post a Comment