What’s good HWISS? Going forward – if time permits – I’m going to try something different. I plan to stick to a common theme for the topic/situation in question.
December’s theme is all about honesty --- by choice or circumstance.
As part of my blog (http://www.hwiss.blogspot.com/), I’d like to offer the opinions of other people. As such, please read the situation carefully and feel free to share your honest thoughts/opinions. *Remember, there is no right/wrong answer!*
Some responses will be included in the "top reader's responses" a week later.
*Situation*
How many partners have you had?
Do you still have feelings for your ex?
How long have you known him/her?
Did you ever cheat on your ex? Hell --- did you ever cheat on me?
Questions like (but not limited to) the ones above are asked all the time and the answers could lead to an open and honest relationship --- or a closed and insecure one.
While it’s very important to have relationships based on trust – some people are not open and honest about their past for a myriad of reasons:
• they’re afraid of their bf/gf’s reactions,
• they may not get a second chance,
• their past has nothing to do with the person he/she is presently, etc.
In fact, some people have the “don’t ask, don’t tell,” policy.
However, some may agree that it’s better to be honest and let it all out before it comes back full force! At least in these cases, one’s bf/gf could be fully aware of what has happened/what is happening, so he/she is not surprised – or one’s bf/gf could take the hint and keep it moving (lol).
All jokes aside – many people wonder why their bf/gf’s last dating situation/relationship didn’t work out or why their bf/gf’s “good friend” is coming into town and trying to meet up with them, etc.
Would it be wrong if they asked? Would it be right?
With the exception of health (because it is VERY important that people are honest about their health before getting into ANY relationship) –
*Question*
“Should people dating/in relationships openly and honestly discuss their past?”
*5 Questions to consider*
“Are you the type of person who believes the past is the past?”
“Could you trust and believe that your bf/gf’s past is the past and that they’re ready and willing to move forward with you?”
“Have you done anything that would cause a major concern?”
“Would you expect that your bf/gf is completely honest with you about their past?”
“Would you be ready to hear something that you really didn’t want to know the answer to?”
Here's Where I Stand...
I'm going to run with this and say "No." Why? Because I think discussing one's past -- whether positive or negative can break more things than fix it (at least early on in a relationship). For example, telling your new bf/gf about how much you loved your ex and how great of a relationship it was --- could lead to insecurities on their part. He/she may ask him/herself, "Well damn -- are you sure you don't want to be with your ex?"
We have to remember that a "good past" may not be the best thing to hear either. Especially now since the pressue is on your current bf/gf to step up his/her game!
Still...
I believe people should at least discuss their LAST situation as it can relate to why he/she is currently looking for a new relationship in the first place. No one wants a rebound --- or the guy/girl who cheated so many times that they were dumped!
This is definitely one of those honesty by choice/circumstance situations.
Anyway -- just wanted to get the ball rolling...
Where do you stand?
Reader responses will be posted at a later date.
Messy
5 years ago
12 comments:
NO NO NO and did I say Heck NO.... Leave the past in the past.
Not if "the past" lives with in a 200 mile radius!
Yes...what is there to lose by being open and honest? If you lie or hide something and the person you are dating turns into a fiance/fiancee....then what? And if they leave you or don't talk to you anymore b/c of the truth would you really want to pursue a relatioship with them anyway?
1-The past is the past yes, but it has insight to the future.
2-If they're open and honest about their past, that is a start. But there are many clues and information that can show you if they have moved on, are ready to move on, or are still stuck on something.
3-Yes I have...and my husband knew that before we were engaged...3 years strong and counting...
4-Yes I would expect that and if they're not completely open and honest then we couldn't have stayed together. Everyone has standards, and complete honesty is one of mine.
5-You can't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to. Being naive is not a good look. You need to know certain things early and up front and then be able to make your own decision on if you want to continue to pursue the relaitonship or not.
Ok I have LEARNED that the past is meant to be JUST that! I no longer believe in bringing the past into a new relationship. I also think that people should NOT ask their partner questions they REALLY don't wanna know the answer to! This might cause hurt feelings or paranoia. My BF made this mistake when asking if I had ANY feelings for my ex. However, I think he will no longer be asking questions about MY past, because he can not handle the truth! I told him, what matters is the bond he and I share and nothing else matters.
LET THE PAST, BE THE PAST! Concentrate on the future and leave all the baggage behind.
~CeeBee
only as it relates to the positive growth of the relationship you are currently in, otherwise NO, period!!! ie. questions about past lovers is none of his/her business....question about the strong bond between your siblings will provide good examples for him/her to use to strenghten you relationshipso sharing is good. Remember with your past, as with everything else, if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing.
I would *assume* that these questions would only come up once people are comfortable enough with each other that trust and honesty won't be an issue. I say *assume* because that's usually NOT how it happens. I don't think the problem is with the questions themselves, but moreso who (and when) is doing the asking...
There are some people in my life that could ask me anything under the sun and i'd be honest because I know they wouldn't judge me and that i can trust them to be reasonable (not saying i have anything to hide but hear me out..)
Then there are some who i would look at crazy if they asked me what i had for breakfast because i don't know them well enough to be certain of their agenda. I would never ask someone questions as personal as those early on. I want them to be comfortable with me and feel like they can trust me NO MATTER what the answer is... and hopefully someone would give me the same consideration.
Honesty is the best way to go with anything concerning relationships.. but there is a thing called being unnecessarily open which can oftentimes do more harm than good.
In that situation i don't think you should wait until the day before the wedding to reveal certain things. However, it seems that revealing everything at onset would lead to a lot of prejudgment that may not be fair and could keep you from getting to know a truly great person. I mean how cliche is it for someone to say "I did _______, but that was a LONG time ago and I'm NOT THE SAME PERSON ANYMORE."
To me, those are empty words that I've heard all too many times. I'd much rather get to know and understand the person you are. That way when I learn about a skeleton from your past, you don't have to convince me that you're not the same person.
Children, wives, PENDING criminal allegations are different situations... Those things could have an effect on me if we get close, and therefore i should know. Basically, if it doesn't affect the other person early on... don't add anything to the new relationship that could put you all on an uneven plane. That's a good way to end it before it starts.
only as it relates to the positive growth of the relationship you are currently in, otherwise NO, period!!!
^^^ Good point --- but what about one's past could be positive to the growth of a relationship?
I say this -- people should ONLY discuss their IMMEDIATE past. For instance, if your bf/gf just got out of a relationship -- you should know. If they got out of a relationship and the last person they dealt with was two years ago -- you should know. I just think the most "immediate" past has ties to the next relationship, because then you and your bf/gf or whoever you call it know exactly what the other is lookin for.
But on another note -- I'd say that if it is a SERIOUS skeleton you have in your closet that the other person may find out -- it's better to let him/her know. What would you say if he/she found out through someone else?
I am a firm believer that "ignorance is bliss"! What's the sense in bringing up the past? I find that most of the time it only hinders the relationship. The past is only necessary for two reasons, a) to judge you or b) evidence against you if you do something that may be deemed as "disapproving". I agree that if it's something serious like a criminal history, or you're still married, or you got some offspring floatin around, or even shotty credit for that matter, then the past definitely should be brought to the present. Otherwise, let sleeping dogs lie.
First should't some of these questions be asked before you get in the relationship? I mean people date first right? We don't just jump into relationships do we? I believe that honesty is always the best policy, but like in the movie "A Few Good Men" some people can't handle the truth. Some people do have/had many sexual partners. I for one wouldn't want to date a girl who has been with several men. Knowing that would bother me greatly. I know there are females who feel the same. I have dated my GF for several years, we know all about eachother. We cut the BS a long time ago. In my experience I can tell you that we should be honest. If a person is worth keeping then we should be honest with them and hopefully they will be honest with us. The past is the past but we look at our past for our future. If we don't know where we have been how will we find where we are going?
Thanks Soror Genese...and you raised good points as well. To the people saying that questions about your past are only used for negative motives:
If you are dating/in a relationship/whatever with someone and they use your past against you, or have only negative things to say about it, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Like Genese said, what you don't like or accept someone else will. I've had many an issue both immediate and long ago and some dudes would be like 'that's cool' whereas others would be like 'I can't deal with that'. The purpose of dating is SUPPOSED to be to find a person to spend the rest of your life with. If that is not your purpose, then keep all the secrets you want because you are looking for something different. But if you are looking for your life partner, to be someone's or to find your RIB, then honesty is the ONLY policy that will work and when GOD ordains that for your life the person will accept and be open about EVERYTHING that has happened. It doesn't happen overnight, and it takes a different level of maturity to master. Think about all these people jumping in marriages, and divorcing...when all they had to do was a better interview. We will study for exams, pay for school, stress about job interviews, but act like finding a mate is the easiest thing in the book. Come on now people...let's get it together and give equal attention to areas that we have high expectations. Relationships are hard work and require study and observation and interviewing like everything else...
well said... i agree 100%!
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