The rule goes, “You CAN’T date your friend’s crush/ex.” Why? Because dating a friend’s crush/ex leads to jealousy, drama and the possibility of a lost friendship.
It may be easy for you, especially if you don’t like your friend’s crush/ex.
However, that’s not always the case: You meet your friend’s crush/ex and you two REALLY hit it off. The attraction is there, and so is the mental/emotional connection. Clearly, your friend’s crush/ex is into you and would like to see how far you two could go.
*Question*
Is it okay to pursue your friend's crush/ex?
Here's where I stand:
This is a tricky question because friendships are very important and no one should come in between them. At first thought, I would say the answer is "no". Regardless of whether I was feeling/still feeling the person or not, I know that I would be highly upset if one of my friends did it to me, so I know I wouldn't do it to them.
Still:
I think that there is an exception to the rule (don't judge me lol) --- I feel that if you are truly feeling someone (for a reason separate from physical attraction), then you should pursue it. I'm speaking on a more serious context in this case. If you LOVE someone, why can't you pursue them? Do you miss out on the chance to be with the "possible" love of your life because you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings?
Again, it's a touchy subject, but I think that this goes on a case-by-case scenario. Your thoughts?
Top Reader comments:
1) "When it comes to matters of the heart, that is not much than can be controlled. However, when it comes to matters of the mind you are your own captain."
2) "It depends on how you met the person. If you and your friend meet them together, and she's feeling you more, you should pursue it."
3) "You have to ask yourself what type of friend you are to that person. I mean if it's a best friend vs just a friend, it makes a difference."
4) "I wouldn't be happy with it, but if my ex and my friend came up to me and were honest about their feelings, I would respect it. I'm really big on honesty."
5) "My friend's feelings are 90% of my decision, and my character is 10% of the decision. I wouldn't do it -- it's just who I am."
6) "You just have to ask yourself is it truly worth risking a friendship over? If the answer is yes, then by all means go for it, but be fully aware of the consequences of your actions."
7) " It may not have worked out between the original two players but they have enough love for one another that they truly wish happiness for each other - even if that is with a friend."
8) " If you care about your friend you should let them know what the situation is and how you are feeling about that person."
9) "Love is love..regardless of how it comes about...we have no control over who we are attracted to or not...I mostly comes down to the morals and relationships you have with those you consider your friends...AND the maturity level of people."
10) "I'd try to avoid the situation at all costs."
11) "If it's your friend's ex -- they're off limits, if it's just a crush, then it's fair game."
8 comments:
I say no. A friends ex should be off limits. It could lead to a bad situation.
But if I truly love my friends ex then I will talk to my friend man to man about the situation. If he says "I dont mind" then im going for it. If he feels a certain way about it then I will have to let it go and find another love of my life.
Nope, never okay. Even if it's just a crush. If they have first dibs on persuing the guy, let it be that. There's a million more fish in the sea. Amazing if you just so happened to be attracted to the same one your friend wants. Pick someone else.
I will give my HONEST opinion and then continue to answer 5 questions posted above. When it comes to matters of the heart, that is not much than can be controlled. However, when it comes to matters of the mind you are your own captain. I myself value friendship to the fullest, so I would try to avoid situations that would consist of me and a friends crush/ex connecting on a innapropriate level. I always like to see the situation from all angles. I would have to question my friends exes loyalty and discipline. Obviously the ex knew you were friends with this person. You just have to ask yourself is it truly worth risking a friendship over? If the answer is yes, then by all means go for it, but be fully aware of the consequences of your actions.
Now on to the 5 questions.
Q:Is there a difference between someone your friend likes/has been with?
A: Yes, it however depends on the level of infatuation your friend holds of this person.
Q:If you have some reservations, what would be the circumstances?
A: Not to pursue it. Speaking from MY personal experiences. If you begin a courtship with reservations or issues, it will most likely end with the SAME or maybe even worse problamatic issues.
Q:Is it wrong for someone to pursue someone that they truly want?
A: Not all love is good love, but sometimes people have to figure that out themselves.
Q:Whose feelings do you need to consider before making that decision?
A: Everyone involved.
Q:How would you feel if it was you?
A: If I was the friend I would feel hurt and betrayed since I value friendship in such high regard. If I was the person asking these questions, I would feel confused and at a standstill.
Yes, the rule is "don't do it" but I believe there are some things that need to be considered and questions that should be asked before you totally write the whole thing off as a loss.
What needs to be considered you ask? The length of time that has passed for one. If the sting is still fresh that is not the time to try to consider making a move. However, if time and the players involved have moved on it may be ok. Another consideration/question is how deep did the situation get previously? if we're talking headed down the aisle until x-y-z took place, then it may not be a good idea. Finally and most important is the maturity level of all involved. It may not have worked out between the original two players but they have enough love for one another that they truly wish happiness for each other - even if that is with a friend. Also what happens between the potential new duo should not be shared with the previous person as this could potentially cause some serious problems.
I'm just sayin'.
It really depends on the people involved in the situation. I believe that if you care about your friend you should let them know what the situation is and how you are feeling about that person...I think its really much deeper than if someone is simply off limits because another individual dated them...I mean those two are not together for a reason. I think we tend to hold on to someone as if they are our property long after we have moved on from them. Also there is a difference btwn how men and women handle these sorts of situations. But as previously stated I think it really depends on where you are in your life, how long ago it was, the maturity of the other two parties.
Is there a difference between someone your friend likes/has been with?
Yeah there is a difference..the level of emotions are usually different.
If you have some reservations, what would be the circumstances?
If I had reservations then I would even bother with pursuing the relationship. If you arent sure about it what is the point??? Also if everyone isnt on board then it could create a bigger problem than it is worth
Is it wrong for someone to pursue someone that they truly want?
No..because love is love..regardless of how it comes about...we have no control over who we are attracted to or not...I mostly comes down to the morals and relationships you have with those you consider your friends...AND the maturity level of people. If you believe in GOD sometimes he places someone in your life...and they may not have been right for your friend but they may be the person he sent for you
Whose feelings do you need to consider before making that decision?
Everyone
How would you feel if it was you?
If it were someone I really liked and he DID NOT LIKE ME. then I'd have to get over it however if he liked her and not me I'd have to stand aside and let things take their course with him and her. How could I stand in the way even if it did hurt.
I would like to start off by saying "hi" to all you possessive exes out there! :) Do I think its wrong to date your friends ex? Yes, if it is done out of spite. That applies to anyone in the triangle (the ex, best friend, or you). Now there are a ton of scenarios we can make to justify or condemn it. Yess I used the word possessive because rightfully if you are no longer together the ex becomes your friends or a nobody to you. Would I recommend any of my friends to date an ex of mine NO (i'm a Leo that doesn't work well with the ego), but im also an adult and realize that what doesnt work for me may work for someone else. Would I hate my friend NO ( but I will remember we have the same taste). I'll leave off with saying "Dont be that other person in their relationship that tears the two apart" that would not be a good look on you.
1. Is there a difference between someone your friend likes/has been with?
Yes, but the fact remains they are no longer together
2. If you have some reservations, what would be the circumstances?
Look, I would try to stay far away from the situation
3. Is it wrong for someone to pursue someone that they truly want?
Yeah, if the other person doesnt want them!!
4. Whose feelings do you need to consider before making that decision?
BE HONEST. And treat everyone how you would want to be treated if the shoes were switched.
5. How would you feel if it was you?
I love my friends.... but only the truth would set them free
i dont think its ok cuase if your good freind and knew she or he like him or her then leave its not worth loseing a freind over, and beside crushes goes away so if its a crush then just wait it out
There are a couple of things that should be considered before completely blowing off the idea. 1) How close were the friend and the crush? If it's just some that you really liked, dated a couple of times and clearly realized that it wasn't goin anywhere then sure it's fine to date the friend's ex/crush. Now, if it's someone that your friend was inlove with, the idea should be completely put out of your head and not even considered. That would just be too cruel to do to a friend. 2) How close are the freinds? If it's someone that I hang out with from time to time or some talk to on the phone like once every two weeks, then sure date 'em! It might be rough at first but you'll have no choice but to accept things as they are and get over it! On the other hand, if it's the tow are bestfriends and then again, the idea should be put out of mind, and the friends pursues the relationship anyway then, one might want to re-evaluate the friendship. My last point is that either way, the friend should let the other friend know that they are feeling the crush/ex, talk it out and receive the blessing before doing anything! Like you said true friends won't let anything come between them!
I didn't mean to say so much but that's how I feel! Very good topic!
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